8 Things I Want My Future Husband To Know About Me

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The older I get the more my heart longs to be in love. It's something that I've wanted since I was a little girl, but now it's becoming more prominent within me than ever. There is a fire in my soul that longs to love and to be loved. It's a matter of waiting for the right man to come along at this point, the one that God has so carefully prepared just for me. Hopefully one day he'll see this post. Here are 8 things I want my future husband to know about me:

1. I'm a little bit disorganized. I'm trying to get better at it, I swear. Just please be patient if things are a little messy sometimes.
2. I've struggled with depression for many years and more than likely will continue to struggle with it for many more. You don't have to try to fix me; I'll be okay. When things get too hard, just hold me and tell me that you love me and that it's okay for me to feel the way I do. That's all I need.
3. I quite like puns. Seriously, if you want to make me laugh, just tell me puns. 
4. I want Jesus to be the center of our relationship. It's very important for me to have a Christ-centered relationship. If he's not in the middle of it all, it won't work. 
5. I like to sing at the top of my lungs a lot. You can sing with me in the car, in the kitchen, wherever really. 
6. I collect books. I'll likely want a library in our house. I'm sorry.
7. I'm really shy at first. I don't like meeting people for the first time; it freaks me out. So please, just have patience with me. I'll eventually talk your ear off.
8. I'm waiting for you. With every ounce of my heart, I'm waiting. In every way that you can think of, I'm waiting. I'm saving all of myself for you. I love you. I can't wait to meet you. Please get here soon. 

Blessings.

Grace Upon Grace | What 2014 Taught Me

Yesterday, I wrote about all of the things I want to accomplish in this new year. So today, I thought I would write about what I learned in 2014 (in more detail, of course.) 

2014 was a year of trials and overcoming and learning to be free. It was a year of mistakes and regrets and crying myself to sleep some nights. It was a year when I learned that depression is real and mental illnesses need to be taken seriously and the world is so very broken. 

It was a year of realizing that I'm going to change as I age and that it's okay. 

2014 taught me that all I need is to love better. Love boldly and fearlessly and with the love of Jesus. I need to love everyone that God puts in my life, no matter what they're going through. 

2014 taught me that everyone is a little bit broken and a little bit in need of a friend.

2014 taught me that once high school ends, you realize that some of your friends were only your friends because you saw them five days a week. 

2014 taught me that not everyone is meant to stay in your life forever. That's okay.

2014 taught me to never judge someone by their appearance. Looks can be deceiving. 

2014 taught me that college is really freaking awesome. 

2014 taught me that stepping out of my comfort zone is good. (Talking in front of my 400+ student class at orientation was a bit terrifying, but it was something that I learned from.)

2014 taught me that it's okay not to be okay some days.

2014 taught me that dancing your heart out at concerts is more fun than you could ever imagine. Who cares if people stare?

2014 taught me that taking chances can be a wonderful, wonderful thing.

2014 taught me that I'm not perfect, and I can't please everyone all the time. That's okay, too.

2014 taught me that no matter what, God will still love me and forgive me and let me run back into his arms. It taught me that my God is an awesome, loving, graceful God. And I'm so thankful.

2014 taught me that I'm learning to be free.

Blessings,

Shi.

"And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." -1 Peter 5:10

I Found My Purpose In Jesus

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We all have had those times in life when we've felt absolutely worthless.
Scared, broken, alone, and tired.

I know that I have. Plenty of times. 

But I have found my purpose. In Jesus.

I lost my way earlier this year. It started around December, probably.
It was when I first realized how broken I truly was. There were scars from my past that kept coming back to haunt me and nothing that I was doing at the time felt good enough. Not for anyone; my parents, my friends, my teachers, not even God. It felt like I was slipping into this dark hole and that there was nobody who would be able to bring me out of it, because it just felt so hopeless.

I guess you could say that I stopped participating in life. I would go to school and hardly talk to anyone and come home and hardly talk to anyone. I was sad and breaking and I felt like no one saw that. I felt like no one could see the way my heart was shattering, or the way that I struggled to breathe sometimes. And that only made it hurt worse. It hurt that no one seemed to care enough to see through the walls that I'd built up. It hurt that no one just came up to me and said "hey, Shiloh. I know you're not okay. What's going on?" I just wanted someone to understand, to see how hard I was trying to make it through. But nobody was doing that.

I didn't start to feel better until this month, not really anyway. I'm good at pretending now, to be honest. But then Jesus got my heart again. He got my attention. I was at Winter Jam in Lexington, and Tenth Avenue North was doing their set; singing their song "The Struggle" and these were the words I was hearing:

there's a wreckage, there's a fire
there's a weakness in my love
there's a hunger i can't control
Lord, i falter and i fall down
and i hold on to the chains you broke 
when you came and saved my soul
...
hallelujah we are free to struggle
we're not struggling to be free
your blood bought and it makes us children
children drop your chains and sing
...
hallelujah death is overcome
and we are breathing
hallelujah our stone hearts become
flesh that's beating
hallelujah chains have been undone
and we are singing
hallelujah the fire has begun

And it was during that song that I just felt Jesus telling me that he's been there. He was there the entire time, even though I didn't realize it. He was there when I was in my room crying until three a.m. He was there when people made off-handed comments that stung more than they should have. He was there when I didn't want to wake up, and when I even thought about giving into the temptation to hurt myself. He was there through all of it; the good days and the bad ones and He continues to just be there.

He was the person I was looking for; the one who said: "Shiloh, I know your not okay. I know that you're hurting. I'm here for you and I love you." And I can't tell you how much that alone healed my heart. He's taking the broken pieces of my life and constructing them back together in a way that has started to change me. And I'm not so afraid anymore. His perfect love is casting out my fear. The fear that I had constantly had for the past few months.

I have a purpose. I'm not too far broken. I can be fixed and I am being fixed.
Because of Jesus.
I found myself there,
in the arms of a savior who wants nothing more than to love me.
In the arms of a savior who gave up his life for me.
To save me from myself.
I found my purpose in Jesus.
And I'm getting better and better every day.

xx, Shiloh.